Head, whoopie, blowjob, pearl necklace Blumpkin, doggy, BDSM! It sounds like Suessical, the porno. You might be an expert in sexual slang if you know most of the terms used in this sexy rhyme. It is common for something to become more sophisticated as it evolves. Unfortunately, this does not apply to language used for banging, fuckbuddies or fornication. We have searched the internet, millennial Twitter feeds, Urban Dictionary, and Urban Dictionary to find the most absurd modern slangs used for sexual acts. Get ready to get your feet wet. It’s a fun ride.
[Related to: What is a Foot Fetish?”
BLUMPKIN
We were going to explain what a Blumpkin is to you. Brace yourself if you don’t know what a blumpkin is. This is the act of getting a blowjob and then taking a dump. This activity is enjoyed by many people who feel that it is so satisfying to take a dump and then have a blowjob that the man feels intense pleasure. Although it makes sense that there are sexual spots in the male reproductive system, we cannot fathom the thought of someone watching another person take a dump. The smell is not pleasant.
BOOT DUST
A term that describes the glitter that a man gets from a stripper after he has given him a lap dance is called booty dust. If a stripper is not wearing any clothing, she will often wear a cheap sparkly outfit that spits glitter everywhere. The glitter-shedding is intensified when the stripper grinds her glittery panties against the man’s crotch. A sparkly crotch is something we can all support!
FUDGIE KRINKLES
This sounds like a delicious snack but it is actually a silly name for the residue that a person leaves on his penis after performing anal sex. This is something that happens quite frequently. This term is not common. It’s still a term we love and it exists!
MUSTARD LOT
This term is used to describe a woman’s unusually large vagina. This is a term used to describe a female with many sexual partners. We support anyone who dreams of having many sexual partners and we encourage them to pursue their goals. We are not in love. The reference is a reference to a hole that has eaten a lot of hot dogs.
PELs and DSLs
This is a term you have likely heard before. DSLs and PELS are shorthands for “Dick Sucking lips” and “Pussy Eating lips”. These terms are used to describe large, luscious-looking lips. People who have DSLs and PELs are those with large lips.
MINIVAN
This one, we won’t lie, is quite cute. Minivans are used to describe the act of putting two fingers in a female’s genital while simultaneously flogging her asshole. We aren’t sure what asshole fisting looks like, so we don’t know how to do it. Why? Minivans have two front seats and five back seats. Two fingers are in front, and one (or five) is in the back. It’s a beautiful position, don’t you love it?
PEARL CHAIN
Another term that is quite common is “ejaculating on a woman’s upper-chest (close to her neck).” It refers to a male ejaculating to a woman’s upper chest (close to her neck). The woman should have a line of white semen dripping down her neck/chest that looks like a pearl necklace if it is done correctly. Would you rather have real pearls for a woman? Probably.
UTAH STANDOFF
Urban Dictionary had never heard this term before. It is apparently used to describe a Mormon contest. Two straight Mormon men hold hands while giving each other handjobs. The contest’s purpose is to determine who can endure the most orgasm. According to the contest, the man who ejaculates the first wins this battle and is deemed gay. Two men jacking off each other is, we think, pretty gay, regardless of how you look at it.
ALLIGATOR FICKHOUSE
This is one of our most dangerous moves, and it can be quite shocking when done correctly. The man on top (the alligator), while performing missionary sex, bites his female partner’s neck and holds her down with consent. He then sticks a finger into her anus, continuing to penetrate her uterus. This sounds almost like Houdini’s magic trick.